Sunday, March 25, 2012

Wiped and wired

Jittery and tired.

Yesterday was a carnival of insanity.

Okay, that's dramatic.

But it was rough. I woke up sore, all the shaking from Thursday hitting me right in the kneecaps. Cleaned the house. I can't have a clean mind with a dirty house. Which means I have a messy mind most of the time, since I don't live alone. Or a dirty mind. Which happens.

I got so tired in the afternoon that I had to lay down and when I did, I had a big crash. I lay there face-down in the bed panting from how extremely tired I was, visualizing all the ways I could kill myself when I got up. That's like my freaking wubby or something, my comfort blankie: How will I kill myself when I get out of this bed? Not like those thoughts actually help me get to sleep the way a teddy bear would. I tried to get out of bed after an hour but I only made it as far as the kitchen floor. Then I crawled back in to the bed until my kid came and jumped on my head.

One great thing about having a kid. She keeps you from killing yourself.

I knew staying in the house would only make all this worse so M and the kid and I betook ourselves off to the kids serve spaghetti dinner thing at church. oh god it was pretty awful. I thought I'd freak if I didn't get out of there so I just got up and left about an hour into it and went and sat in the car. A person can only pretend to be normal for so long when there is a hurricane of shit swirling between the ears.

Came home to find a letter from the ins co in the mail that the preauthorization for Abilify is rejected because I only failed with risperidone, and not yet with that other one that starts with an o. So glad I paid my psych $50 to preauthorize that drug, that I now cannot even get. Whatever. I guess I'll call him on Monday and see what to do next. Maybe I'll be fine by then and it won't matter anymore.


Breathe in, breathe out.


  1. Olanzapine? That's kind of weird; that's Zyprexa. Which is supposed to be highly effective but I'm surprised it is preferred. It's not like it is generic. I've avoided it because it has a higher risk of weight gain which my body thinks is a great idea and type II diabetes, which I'm at increased risk because my father's side of the family ALL get it and most die from it (some of this is because of not caring for it properly, but we also have a lethal form), and it's on the other side as well. So it is in the last resort category. I took it for about a week last fall to try to get to sleep when I had akasthesia; it didn't do anything but that is not one of the meds they hospital uses for it, it was just a last ditch effort. I did not have side effects of any sort in that time andwe talked about using it now since I have some but my psychiatrist seems to not think it would help since we've not gone back.

    It's a good drug and likely to help you sleep. Just very weird that it is somehow preferred over abilify. Atypical antispychotic, atypical antipsychotic, neither generic (unless Zyprexa went generic since September).

  2. Yeah, Zyprexa. I guess it must cost Humana less than Abilify.

    I come from a long line of Type II diabetes too, on both sides. Yippie. Hopefully my hummingbird-like metabolism is going to save me.

    I'll be interested in seeing if you wind up taking Zyprexa again and how it goes for you. Hopefully not awful, since you are so sensitive to meds.

    Screw akathisia. It blows.

  3. I think my doctor told me that smaller people are often the ones who gain on zyprexa. I didn't in my week on it and I'd guess if I were going to I would have because I was on enough antipsychotics when I went to the hospital that the residents kept being horrified that I was taking so much and was awake, much less having insomnia. So I think that's part of why she's not trying it now; she seems to want to leave Seroquel alone because it works enough that removing it would potential be a bad thing, and I'm assuming she doesn't feel it is very likely that I would benefit from Zyprexa as an add on since I've asked a few times because I paid $93 for a bottle and took less than half. Hard to know though; right now I'm also being kept on the safest possible combination with as little access to harmful stuff as possible. And I'm not told when that's the case because they don't want me to know what it safe and what isn't. My medical background and having been on so many meds makes me a extra dangerous, or did when I was more serious than i am now. Now my biggest risk I think is taking everything sedating I can find just to sleep. Fortunately I know better and I do seem more tired tonight. If I don't sleep tonight I'm going to start praying that the psychologist can reach the psychiatrist. She's out of the office this week. Usually she will check for emails if she can during these times and I have some priority right now on that. But she's 2 years out from breast cancer treatment so if she's having tests or something she may not be reachable. But someone has got to get me to sleep...Which is why I can't get into my own meds. Oh well.

  4. Definitely sounds from your blog that you need some kind of big change from what you have in order to get yourself to sleep. Being exhausted just turns up the volume on every single other thing.

    Thinking of you, girl.

  5. Hi from Michal, regular "pen pal" of JustMe Jen. I haven't noticed your comments before but I just have to ask why you have such a frightening profile picture.

    1. Hi Michal--the profile picture is one I made when I was in a mixed state way back in 2007. You can see the larger version here, if you're interested:

      Both figures in the picture are me; I created it with the glorious magic of Photoshop.

      I chose it as my profile picture because I refuse to shy away from the truth of what this disease is like. I know it's brutal, but so is bipolar 1. When I roll back around to hypomania, I'm sure I'll post something euphoric :)

  6. I don't think there is a very good change. I am pretty sure that if something doesn't change on its own I will be back in the hospital very soon. How many times in a year will I go there?

  7. L-
    Can't speak for Michal but we've been friends for a long time now. I know that she was concerned at the scariness of your image. She may also have been protecting me as it is well known that I am terrified of guns. Terrified to the point everyone is sure that some very traumatic thing happened but I don't know what. I grew up where guns are part of the furniture. I learned how to shoot. But I've been afraid for as a long as I remember. In fact one of the ways I knew that I could handle emergencies well enough to work in healthcare was that the boys I babysat the summer before college asked to watch TV in their parents' room. They were brats; I was glad for the break. Until I walked in to see who wanted what on their bologna and found them just pulling a gun out after picking a gun cabinet lock. Another minute, another 30 seconds and tragedy would have been easy. I managed to stay dead calm until nobody was touching a gun and both kids were out of the room, marched out with hands up and searched. I have never in my life had something make me so angry that I could sit and glare at 2 children for 6 solid hours but I did. I did not let them pee without me and the other kid. If I wanted water they better be thirsty. No talking, no tv, raise your hand to pee. I know I terrified their dad when he got home since I was usually smiling and fun and that day I marched two kids to the porch, said sit and don't talk, and pulled him aside but told him we had to keep the kids in direct view. I didn't react until I left their house and then I threw up.

    And why am I telling this story? Oh, 3:05 and I'm wide, wide awake. I hope the mania isn't taking back over; mixed was better but I knew 7 hours of sleep in 2 days wasn't enough.

    At least Dr. Brain is back soon.

    BTW, like your story/book not sure what your abbreviations mean. Waiting for more.

    Just Me

    1. OH and thanks for the bit about the book. YA = young adult; the book's for teenagers. I"ll post more of it soon.

  8. THat is a hell of a story about the guns, Jen. That's one of those pivotal moments in your life when everything, literally *everything*, can hinge on a time span of less than 30 seconds. You handled it the right way--I bet it put the fear of God in them, or at least the fear of guns. Which everyone should have to begin with.

    Mine's regrettably dulled since we have like six million in my house, including some that weigh more than I do (not saying much, but still). That's what happens when you align your life with a cop, I guess. After a bad episode about seven years ago I told him he had to get safes with combination locks and keep the key to the gun cabinet somewhere I couldn't find it. And that's how we roll now. They're everywhere and I can't get to them. Unless I ask special permission to borrow an unloaded one for a self-portrait, ha.