Friday, April 6, 2012

Hww-ing ding ding ding ding

On the way up! up up up!

I called a new psychiatrist today. I haven't officially "broken up" or whatever the hell with the old one, but last time I went in, he charged me $50 cash (plus $30 copay) to call my ins co and pre-authorize Abilify while i sat there (which I might add took 5 mins--$50 for 5 mins of work?! Shit why am I an editor instead of a psychiatrist). Then we didn't set up another appt because I was going to wait for the Abilify to be preauthorized, go home, start taking it, and call him to set up another appt after a week or so of it.

So like 2 weeks ago I got the letter from the ins co about Abilify not being an approved med until you fail with these two other antipsychotics and I only failed with one, blah blah blah... long story short, I never bothered to call the psychiatrist back once I knew I wasn't getting the Abilify. I came down off the mania anyway (and skidded out into a lame-o crash), so I figured why bother. Now I'm cranking back up and need a little somethin something so I don't go as nuts as last time. I'd like to be able to walk down a hallway without slamming myself into the parallel walls and bouncing back and forth so I know where my body is in the space-time continuum.


Signs of crankage: I cannot stop EATING. I didn't start feeling cranked until this morning, but for the past two days, if there has been food around, watch out I don't take your fingers off getting it to my mouth. I think I'm eating about 6 full-size meals a day plus whatever I can get my hands on in between (which has included more junk than is ideal, but hell if I'm going to not eat all the nachos!). No weight gain. Bickity-bam FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD. Biking 20 miles was great for taking the crank off yesterday, but it did not do my inflamed appetite any favors.

So what have I learned from this boys and girls? When I get HONGRY it means I'm bout to get MANIC. And type in all caps apparently.

Hopefully the new psych will call me back soon. I hate to think I'm going to go through that whole circus I went through last month again. Hot damn. Let's get the edge off this before it gets out of control.

One cool thing about the mania (well one of many cool things, except for the things that suck) is that I can see way more shapes in sounds. I can see them all the time anyway, but during mania, I can see more of them at the same time. So music is WHACK AS FUCK. Normally the cacophony of shapes is just like the cacophony of notes--it all adds up to a thing, but your brain doesn't listen to/pay attention to each individual piece, each beat of the drum, pluck of the bass, twang of the guitar, texture of the voice. You just get the effect of what all the pieces add up to. But, BUT, manic music is like manic thoughts: Flight of ideas. Too many planes circling and only a few can land. Get all experiential with it and it's awesome. You can see ALL THE SHAPES OMG. Get overwhelmed by it and it sucks butt.

Phew. I think I better get my ass down to the gym.

Today's ridiculous picture.


  1. I just wanted to tell you if you ever want a referral for a psychiatrist I can ask Dr. Brain and I'd be shocked if she didn't know someone, especially since you are in Ohio. When my sister was pregnant and showed signs that she was going to have some mood issues with hormones Dr. Brain was able to give me a couple names, off the top of her head, one of whom had a lot of experience with postpartum depression/anxiety. Turned out my sister was herself again as soon as she had the baby, but she's high risk with any pregnancy. She never knew I had the referrals because she was so volatile during the pregnancy. I truly thought she hated me. Another time Dr. Brain was going to be off for surgery and I was in the midst of asthma attacks that weren't controlled and needing treated without steroids unless it was emergent and if it was emergent I wanted moved to Cleveland Clinic and "my floor". So she out of the blue knew someone in the small town where I worked.

    Anyway, I know she doesn't mind, especially if i tell her you cycle like I did/still do apparently. If you want me to ask in case I see her next week. You can email me (really anytime) at


    1. Thanks Jen. I'm going to give this other doc a try, and if it doesn't work out, I'd be very grateful for any referral you could give. Keeping my fingers crossed for now--I got an appointment, but it's not until May 14.

    2. Waiting stinks. I've been really lucky; the wait for my clinical trial assessment portion was to be months but I was not in good shape and had no coverage for psych stays so I got in there quickly and then transferred to this doctor without waiting b/c of just finishing the trial. I see my psychiatrist right around then so I'll be sure to ask her. I wish I just could send you to her. Bipolar is her thing and she's amazing, like can guesstimate what meds will be really bad and what dose will get results. She lets me make informed decisions and when I had toxicity and was in the hospital she called me 3 or 4 times to check in, plus monitored my chart from home AND took the time to personally call the resident covering the ER and gave him so much information that my hallucinating, confused self couldn't have. I love her. Sorry it took so long to get back to your page; computer problems, AT&T problems, mean people problems, it's been a crazy time.

    3. I also wish I could go to your doctor; she sounds amazing.

  2. 1)Loved your link to the scale of the universe!
    2)Good luck with your new doc.
    3)Synaesthesia-first read about it in The Man Who Tasted Shapes. Been intrigued ever since. Do you ever find any downsides with it?

    1. Hi Chris. I'm glad you liked the link.

      Very few downsides to synesthesia; I'm grateful to have it. But it's like anything else relating to the senses: If you have a well-developed palette and a terrible wine crosses it, it's so much worse. If you have sensitive hearing that allows you to discern sounds and sources, loud or unpleasant sounds will be worse for you. In this way, when I hear music with ugly shapes, it's almost unendurable to listen to it. (I hate jazz. HATE it. Even as I recognize what a brilliant art form it is.)