Up and down and in and out today. Not down, down's not the right word, it's not that kind of down. Or up either. It's nothing to do with sadness/happiness. It's energy spinning and crashing. Dizzying. Came close to puking/passing out on my friend's kitchen floor after a hard uphill bike trip in the sun to her house hauling a 60-lb trailer. It was great. I put my head between my knees and she covered me with ice packs and then ten minutes later i was fine and we watched Motherfucking Bike and everything was funny and OK. She makes most things funny and OK. Thank God.
Saw Dr. M this morning and he preauthorized Abilify to the ins co while I was in the office. Risperidone = failure. It sucked sitting there listening to him tell the insurance company that I'm bipolar 1 and spelling out for them all the drugs that have failed. Like it was a hammer hitting this nail over and over and over, this failed, that failed, this also failed. I don't think he liked it either. I kept trying to turn off the agitation while he was talking to them but by about halfway through I couldn't keep the lid on it and I was shaking like a #@%$. I felt like crawling under the fucking leather couch, which, hello, newsflash, vegans are not cool with leather couches. He was all, you're still having a lot of agitation.
ORLY?
Hopefully Abilify will get the edge off this. I can't remember ever being like this so long, about a month and a half. Downs have lasted that long easily, longer, sometimes almost a year, but ups, usually three, four days. This is unusual. It's more of an agitation than an up, though it's great when that sparkles into it with its hard diamond edges. And the creativity has been off the charts. There are not enough minutes in the hours in the days to brain-dump everything happening in there. That part's good, the alternate-reality functioning in a fairly non-crazy way constantly going on. I want to be able to devote time to it but the current living/working situation does not allow enough. Each day would have to be about 37 hours long (with no sleeping) to even start to get it all out.
I'm going to see Hunger Games at 12:10 a.m. with my brother tomorrow. Yes we are those idiots. Then if it's not lightning and craziness I'm going to get up early and bike 20 miles to work Friday morning. I have so much energy when I get about three hours of sleep. The trick is to not hallucinate while I'm riding, ha. It's excellent that the bronchitis is gone. I think half the problem recently and in Mexico was that I couldn't burn off the energy spins because of the breathing problems and the hacking fits. But that's mostly over now and brutal bike trips really help. Not with the weight problem though, and yesterday the three-bite food problem started again. Not good with all the other weight loss since December, which wasn't extra weight in the first place. Seems like every time i get enough padding on me to hold my clothes up, wham, some kind of stupid bullshit in my brain or body goes wrong and I'm either too mental to eat or too sick to digest for just long enough to wind up with all my ribs showing again.
Right, shut the fuck up Lurid, no one wants to hear you complain about not being able to keep weight on.
Here's a picture of the way the word "MATTERS" at the end of "I Do Not Want This" looks in my head. It comes in from the right and gets this shape and color as it passes through the moment between when it's in the future and when it's in the past. The construct of now.
It is jagged at the edges because it's screamed instead of sung, and shaped like a fish because of the way the "t"sound comes out like a "d", which pinches words and flips the right-side half upside down so the whole thing is like a smashed-flat two-dimensional representation of a helix in my head.
Since the last part of it has been screaming through my head all day:
I wanna know everything
I wanna be everywhere
I wanna fuck everyone in the world
I wanna do something
that
MATTERS
That sums up mania, right there.
Saw Dr. M this morning and he preauthorized Abilify to the ins co while I was in the office. Risperidone = failure. It sucked sitting there listening to him tell the insurance company that I'm bipolar 1 and spelling out for them all the drugs that have failed. Like it was a hammer hitting this nail over and over and over, this failed, that failed, this also failed. I don't think he liked it either. I kept trying to turn off the agitation while he was talking to them but by about halfway through I couldn't keep the lid on it and I was shaking like a #@%$. I felt like crawling under the fucking leather couch, which, hello, newsflash, vegans are not cool with leather couches. He was all, you're still having a lot of agitation.
ORLY?
Hopefully Abilify will get the edge off this. I can't remember ever being like this so long, about a month and a half. Downs have lasted that long easily, longer, sometimes almost a year, but ups, usually three, four days. This is unusual. It's more of an agitation than an up, though it's great when that sparkles into it with its hard diamond edges. And the creativity has been off the charts. There are not enough minutes in the hours in the days to brain-dump everything happening in there. That part's good, the alternate-reality functioning in a fairly non-crazy way constantly going on. I want to be able to devote time to it but the current living/working situation does not allow enough. Each day would have to be about 37 hours long (with no sleeping) to even start to get it all out.
I'm going to see Hunger Games at 12:10 a.m. with my brother tomorrow. Yes we are those idiots. Then if it's not lightning and craziness I'm going to get up early and bike 20 miles to work Friday morning. I have so much energy when I get about three hours of sleep. The trick is to not hallucinate while I'm riding, ha. It's excellent that the bronchitis is gone. I think half the problem recently and in Mexico was that I couldn't burn off the energy spins because of the breathing problems and the hacking fits. But that's mostly over now and brutal bike trips really help. Not with the weight problem though, and yesterday the three-bite food problem started again. Not good with all the other weight loss since December, which wasn't extra weight in the first place. Seems like every time i get enough padding on me to hold my clothes up, wham, some kind of stupid bullshit in my brain or body goes wrong and I'm either too mental to eat or too sick to digest for just long enough to wind up with all my ribs showing again.
Right, shut the fuck up Lurid, no one wants to hear you complain about not being able to keep weight on.
Here's a picture of the way the word "MATTERS" at the end of "I Do Not Want This" looks in my head. It comes in from the right and gets this shape and color as it passes through the moment between when it's in the future and when it's in the past. The construct of now.
Since the last part of it has been screaming through my head all day:
I wanna know everything
I wanna be everywhere
I wanna fuck everyone in the world
I wanna do something
that
MATTERS
That sums up mania, right there.
